Mainly Green
“The Diet Industry is a multi-million pound industry, and it wants to keep you dissatisfied and big enough to buy into it’s slender, celebrity driven mentality. So while you are pigging your way through fat land, it is raking in your ill spent dosh.”
“And what authority might you be?”
“A friend, who will save you time and money and energy, getting you fit, fast.”
“That is a very attractive offer, friend. What is this place?”
“This is the Breakfast Room.”
Monday hunger appears to have lead to a black out. The company first aider has put my feet up on a chair from where I fell, next to the photocopier. I rose fast after loading the paper tray, only to see stars in the darkness, when my vision conked out suddenly and a glorious headrush sent me crashing to the ground. Obviously I am not therefore corpus mentis. I am out for the count. I do suspect that the distant siren is the ambulance they have called, but I cannot here it since my elvis has left the office and I appear to be somewhere else, in a “green room”.
Endorsed lovingly with a portrait of Enid Blyton who’s enthusiastic lists of laden tables conjured happy memories of healthy, busy children eating whatever they liked, the Breakfast Room.
It has a school feel about it with desks and chairs. On the right there is a massive blackboard, covered with glorious chalk pictures of fruits and vegetables. Over to the left, there is a delightful little alcove with a small circular table and a chair, complete with a plastic tablecloth and condiments, reminiscent of the easy-going atmosphere of all the greasy spoons I have ever visited, and I visited many. I love them. Straight in front of me a nice lady smiles from behind a pristine counter with the obligatory hair covering and apron and sellophane covered bowls gleam in a stainless steel chilled windowed cabinet. Home Economics! Always an easy option. Shame I had to study Physics, Maths and Chemistry. I always envied the breezers in the Home Economics class, who got to make cakes and take them home. They always seemed so much happier than the academics, sat in austere classrooms, grappling with the invisible dry stuff, rigid and grey, peering sadly at my “academically challenged!?” lucky peers across the hallway knitting colourful scarves and expressing their creativity in so many ways. Even our English Lessons were rigid, although that didn’t stop me winning a prize.
“I will teach you something that you already know.”
“Oh!”
“You must have forgot it. Life got in the way and you immersed your brain in the media. The constant drivel of endless advertisements has turned your brain to moosh my friend, but we all love clover, don’t we?”
“Who are you?”
“I am Tempbal the Dietician, the Scientist’s wife. I have been with you forever, subconsciously keeping your body together. What did you think was holding it together? You certainly aren’t. You are the saboteur who keeps going the wrong way, doing the wrong thing, eating the wrong stuff. You feed your passion, your whim for whatever rubbish takes your fancy. When it hits the intestine, I take it from there and do the best I can with it. You people have no idea! You need to keep the blood pure, otherwise you won’t work properly.”
“How extraordinary!” I think/say. Tempbal hovers beside me, looking like the scholastic Scooby Doo girl, in a white coat.
“Breakfast means the breaking of fast you know. Your entire mindset has been distracted by the consumer society you live in. Just be quiet and listen. I will now briefly demonstrate how to kiss.”
“Your mad!”
“I am as mad as the hatter, Alice, and you have been eating too much jam. Sit down please. Plenty of room here. There is always room at the top, you know! Don’t ever let them tell you that there is not.”
“Kiss? Your scaring me now! Those are Adam Ant’s lyrics so I hardly think we will find any wisdom there.”
“Keep It Simple Stupid; its an acronym. Wisdom and Folly are identical you know, so you have no reason to doubt the words of Mr Ant just because he happened to slip into what the “sane” world, terms as “insane”. Who are you, dear? Eh? Beware of the tendency to judge. You haven’t even met the man. Who are you to know whether or not he is wise or not.”
Here is the wisdom of the Breakfast Room. It’s Dead easy.
1 Food is fuel – see it as such and nothing else. Do your wallowing with water dear. Wallow in the water.
2 Remember the food pyramid from Chemistry?
“Dimly”
“Good! Thats it.” “Your in an ambulance, by the way.” And Tempbal’s lips tightened as she gave me a stern look, but I faded out then.
Green Cross? That’s a green cross. I’m in France! No it’s the Green Cross Code Man.
“This isn’t the ambulance, then”.
“Hi. Hold my hand. You need to look BOTH ways, little one”
3 “Are you hungry?”
“Yes” “No” I don’t know”
mmm Well thats what you ought to concern yourself with. That is how it is supposed to work. Your body knows. It tells you. We tell you. Hunger is your cue to eat. Not T-Time, not elevenses, not lunchtime. The trigger is hunger – nothing else!
“I will walk with you. The French really know how to really “do lunch” don’t they?”
4 What do you like to eat? What do you really like? Do you even know?
“I don’t know where I am. I’m lost!”. I felt suddenly very sad, so I cried”
The Green Cross Code Man’s face watered out to become the face of the Scientist, Tempbal’s husband, the rational, kindly old codger, a bof, my bof, the sort of friend who takes you under his wing and mentors you…
“It can switch like that sometimes, suddenly. We are all one. This is the Fourth Dimension, the Astral Plane, the dream place. It’s just that you are fully functional and conscious on it and it does not follow the same rules as the physical plane. The physical plane is space-time, whereas the Astral Plane operates on Time-Space principles. You get what you need quicker, that’s all. Now you know why it is recommended for an incarnate to STAY physical. Because it is a unique opportunity to have it all slowed down so you can pick it apart.” He grasped me by the chin then and looked hard at me. “If you knew just how difficult and challenging it was just to get here, you wouldn’t be in such a hurry to escape you know. Not all make it you know! Appreciate the wave you are in. You need them all you know, or you won’t make it back again.”
“What do I know?” “Clunck Click Every Trip”
“The Green Cross Code Man never said that!”, my lip curled up at the side in distaste.
“I know that. Jimmy Saville did, back in the 70’s, before this gold tracksuit. Pay attention to what you eat. When you eat, just eat. Use all the senses, focus. Now. Are you really enjoying it? Slow down, dear. Savour each mouthful”.
“I can’t talk because I eating and watching Jimmy weighed down by all that gold.”
“Lets kiss.”
“You are disgusting. Kiss Jimmy Salville?”
“No! The jolly green giant, and Jimmy Salville had his screaming crowds of girls, you know.”
“Oh stop all this! I’m not writing fan fiction here. I am trying to make sense of it all. I’d love to share the wisdom, but I can’t until I am wise myself. I’m not, so stop wasting time and let’s get on with the business of getting wise, wiseguy.”
“I am making it memorable for you. If it is prominent at the forefront of your mind, it will be a breeze to implement. Trust me.” As a breeze whispered past my cheek and the Jolly Green Giant scooped me up in his hand and I got the lift lurch and the underwater ears it was so fast!
“You know there is far too much sugar around! Leave it alone for 21 days. Your tastebuds will change and you won’t like it anymore. Problem solved.”
“But I will crave and crave, and your voice is really too loud”
“Why will you crave? Don’t listen to your habit mind. It isn’t aware of all the facts. Just leave it alone. It’s just a habit cycle. Recognise it as such and detach from it. Unhook yourself from the desire and simply turn away from it. You can only have one thought at a time, luckily, and the groovy thing is, you get to choose it! That’s the beauty of having free will, sister. Bit of a curse too though, eh?”
“I really don’t like sweetcorn, you know. I hate your advertisement. It’s so irritating and stupid. Ho Ho Ho. Santa says that and he really is Satan. Sorry.”
So I am now in a tree, sitting beside Sheer Khan. That’s better. A character I like. “Happy now?” I nod with ill-concealed wide-eyed glee, rubbing my hands. “Why am I so small? I must be bout 9. Are you asian?”
“It’s where you started getting lost. I can be anybody you like and everybody you have ever known or an amalgamation thereof. So this is what you have forgotten”.
“You need some carbohydrates. A bit of cereal maybe, or bread. And try to get the ones with the least of satan’s sugar now. They ARE out there.
“Are you Satan?” I ask, growing apprehension as I realize I am talking to a snake in a tree, recommending that I eat more coco pops.”
“If you like. Aim to include vegetables every day, best gotten locally, ideally from farm-shops, more natural. Eat this lot first. That way you will get satisfied, feel groovy and you will be less likely to go wild in the well stocked aisles.
Protein is absolutely essential. You need a bit of meat every now and again, perhaps some cheese, nuts, a bit of fish. The choice is yours. Whatever you fancy. Eat before you shop, by the way! As soon as one enters the halls of food, the satanic host lies in wait. They are all around and everywhere. Know them as the voice of the media, the voice which advertises it’s wares and tempts you to buy them. See through this process and realize that in most cases, that which is exalted, be the return. Few operate under the motivation to provide genuine nutrition as their main game. Keep the portions to “half of what can comfortably be taken” and you won’t go wrong. Use a side plate. It’s all you need. Wind up with a bit of fruit or a yogurt.
But remember, only eat when you are actually hungry, pay attention to what you are eating and wallow in water.
“Is that it?”
“What more do you want? Don’t forget to top it off with a bit of fancy. God didn’t make all those sweets for them to go to waste now, did he? Although he probably didn’t expect us to fill whole shopping aisles full of them!
Just reign yourself in. You have arrived. Cheerio now. Mind how ye go.
“Well Gosh. Thank you for this wisdom. Shopping will be a breeze now! No more complicated diet plans that fail on Monday. Freedom from the Jolly Green Giant; Freedom from Diet Slavery. Keep it Green and U B Lean.
And my eyes open suddenly as the dream fades, melting, melting, oh what a world. Breaking dawn steals into the room and the silver glints. My hand hits my chest, finding it and bringing it to eye level while still prone and you know what it says as well as I do now, don’t you?
Jim Fixed It for Me
Angel Feenix
Behind the Mind 